These Might Crack You Up...
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What do you call a fake noodle?
What do you call a magic dog?
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
He kept leaving little messages around the house.
How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.
What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
Women really know how to hold a grudge.
My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm.
And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin.
People often ask me how I can tell them apart – but it’s easy, really.
Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie.