Apparently anti-mosquito sprays cause hallucinations?
I didn't believe it at first until a mosquito told me about it.
I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend.
There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh"
But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
I think I know why I keep getting called a panda on here,
I've just heard my girlfriend discussing me with her mother, she said,
"All he ever does is eats, shoots and leaves. "
New health food restaurant just opened in Glasgow.
"I Can't Believe It's Not Battered"
I saw this girl crying in the pub so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.
"I split up with my boyfriend because he's a sexist pig."
"I'm a great listener if you want to tell me more." I replied.
"But you don't even know me," She cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"
"Because you have massive tits."
I went into a library today & asked if they had any books on shelves..........?
Tonight is a very special night for all of you astronomers.
Go out to your back garden with a mirror and face south.
Hold the mirror between your legs and bend over at an angle of ninety degrees.
Then align the mirror so that it is diagonal, with the back facing the ground. Look into the mirror,
and with a bit of luck, you should see Uranus.
Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " of course it would help"
So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
The presenter said, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists
who operated in London at the turn of the last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Sticks!" Paddy replied
The seven dwarfs always left early each morning to go to work in the mine.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunches and take them to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunches, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello. Hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, "VOTE FOR Jeremy Corbyn!"
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive!
As a child:
'You are grounded. '
As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm. '
My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back.
Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "For **** sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"
"This next song is about subtraction."
"Take it away boys."
A pirate went to see the doctor about the moles on his back.
"I wouldn't worry about it," said the doctor, "They're benign."
"Count 'em again doc," said the pirate, "You'll find there be ten."